Americans have some big ass caves, and some just have big asses

August 31st 2009

Went to Mammoth Cave today, and had a well good time. Well as good a time as one can get in a giant hole in the ground.

I think the best part of the tour is when, just before going into the cave, the disgruntled tour guide, Gabe, let us know the golden rule:
“Do not touch the rocks! Just don’t! if you wanna touch a rock, there are some rocks on either side of ya now which you can touch. These rocks are no different to the rocks inside so why you would wanna touch them I have no idea. It’s rocks. It’s just rocks…let’s go in.”

I reckon some speeches they should probably make before having you pay for the ticket. This speech, alongside the whole;
“If you fear heights, small spaces, or the dark you may not wanna come on this tour, also we will go through a passage way named ‘fat man’s misery’, so yeah…no fatty’s. If you get to the point where you think ‘yeah…I can’t do that’ then we’ll say ‘yeah…y’are’”

By the way, tickets were non-refundable. These eerie warnings were not nearly as scary as Kevin, the very old, very angry Guide who, throughout the speech, went from person to person under his voice threatening them to put away their bags and bottles. He then disappeared into the shadows throughout the tour, unless of course someone took too many photos with the flash on. Like a wrinkly ninja!

(And by the way, no shit, “fat man’s misery” did exist, it was a passageway shaped like a keyhole, any large waists were rejected. It made seeing fat people going into the tour as we left even more amusing then just seeing the run-of-the-mill obese American.)