August 31st 2009
Went to Mammoth Cave today, and had a well good time. Well as good a time as one can get in a giant hole in the ground.
I think the best part of the tour is when, just before going into the cave, the disgruntled tour guide, Gabe, let us know the golden rule:
“Do not touch the rocks! Just don’t! if you wanna touch a rock, there are some rocks on either side of ya now which you can touch. These rocks are no different to the rocks inside so why you would wanna touch them I have no idea. It’s rocks. It’s just rocks…let’s go in.”
I reckon some speeches they should probably make before having you pay for the ticket. This speech, alongside the whole;
“If you fear heights, small spaces, or the dark you may not wanna come on this tour, also we will go through a passage way named ‘fat man’s misery’, so yeah…no fatty’s. If you get to the point where you think ‘yeah…I can’t do that’ then we’ll say ‘yeah…y’are’”
By the way, tickets were non-refundable. These eerie warnings were not nearly as scary as Kevin, the very old, very angry Guide who, throughout the speech, went from person to person under his voice threatening them to put away their bags and bottles. He then disappeared into the shadows throughout the tour, unless of course someone took too many photos with the flash on. Like a wrinkly ninja!
(And by the way, no shit, “fat man’s misery” did exist, it was a passageway shaped like a keyhole, any large waists were rejected. It made seeing fat people going into the tour as we left even more amusing then just seeing the run-of-the-mill obese American.)
Monday, August 31, 2009
Saturday, August 29, 2009
American's won a gold medal in boxing, 1960...
August 28th 2009
Did a bit of exploring in Louisville today. I wouldn't have believed that it was such a cool place if I hadn’t seen it myself.
Started off the day going to the science centre, and as result of this returned to the mental state of a 10 year old. I must have spent an hour trying to win a virtual volleyball game. That alongside a drunken driver simulator, which lets you drive sober then "drunk" by blurring the screen, having the lines on the road and all-in-all trying to fix it to make you go off road. The weird thing? I did better drunk then sober. The whole hands-on deal for science works, it just does.
Then I headed down to the Muhammad Ali Museum. That was awesome! On top of all the information about his life, his career, and his charity work, you could just sit down and watch his matches. I also hurt my knuckle pretty badly while mucking up using a speed bag, I hit it on the board the bag hung from.
Also, I can now say I have peed in the official 2nd most interesting restroom in the USA. The urinal being simply being a glass wall that goes through to an art museum on the other side, with a blurred bar going along where the manhood goes. A thought that went through my mind was that if a man was ridiculously tall, short, or had an obscenely large schlong, the world would see it.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
American's have nice apartments...
August 27th 2009
First day I’ve been able to just lounge about all day, Internet things, watching Judge Judy, watching Jerry Springer, simply listening to music. S’all good.
Somehow I managed to get a place on the couch of a ferret guy. I forget how I know him, something like he’s my mum’s, friend’s, friend. The weird thing was I was told to get in touch with him but I wasn’t told where he was, and they had no idea where I was, so I did get in touch and it just so happened he has an apartment in Louisville…odd that. But also very VERY handy. The really odd thing? I am now sharing a room with four ferrets, each one more interested in exploring, and destroying, my luggage.
Obviously I've done something good for karma to give this to me…or I am now expected to do something good for karma. Well guess what karma, I’m not playing by your rules.
First day I’ve been able to just lounge about all day, Internet things, watching Judge Judy, watching Jerry Springer, simply listening to music. S’all good.
Somehow I managed to get a place on the couch of a ferret guy. I forget how I know him, something like he’s my mum’s, friend’s, friend. The weird thing was I was told to get in touch with him but I wasn’t told where he was, and they had no idea where I was, so I did get in touch and it just so happened he has an apartment in Louisville…odd that. But also very VERY handy. The really odd thing? I am now sharing a room with four ferrets, each one more interested in exploring, and destroying, my luggage.
Obviously I've done something good for karma to give this to me…or I am now expected to do something good for karma. Well guess what karma, I’m not playing by your rules.
American's ride the bus...
August 26th 2009
The Journey was long and arduous… about half way through my ipod ran out of battery, and my pattern of on and off reading didn’t bode well. The stoner’s fantastic stories of amazing adventures had toned down to subtle mumblings of how misuse of the force would send them to force hell. Yes it was entertaining but it lacked the charm that came with them screaming out every other syllable. Latoia had decided to rest, or, as she put it “go for a nappy-nap so ma baby will shut her yappy-yap!” everyone else had decided to sleep, but they didn’t announce it in nearly an amusing enough way to worth mentioning them individually.
It was getting to the point where the whole ‘not-being-able-to-sleep’ thing, was becoming a slight annoyance. It got to the point where, when the old lady two rows forward offered me a sleeping pill; I didn’t even care to check the label. I dunno what it was she gave me but I was out of it for the rest of the journey, I had to switch buses twice, and I can only tell you one of the cities I was swapped at. My aforementioned ’out of it’-ness pleased Latoia to no end. I found a scribble on my belly when I changed my shirt the next day saying, and I’m not joking, “this beer gut be MINE bitch!” luckily it wasn’t a sharpie, simply a biro that the water from the greyhound station sinks could take care of easily.
I now found myself staring at Muhammad Ali Blvd, with no idea where to go. Still drowsy from what I now consider could have been roofie's, I decided to head to the most well lit place, difficult to find in mid-day. Luckily I realised I must be getting near the centre of town due to the flags of colonel sanders.
Side note: I have only just now realised that I am yet to mention my current whereabouts, Louisville Kentucky.
The Journey was long and arduous… about half way through my ipod ran out of battery, and my pattern of on and off reading didn’t bode well. The stoner’s fantastic stories of amazing adventures had toned down to subtle mumblings of how misuse of the force would send them to force hell. Yes it was entertaining but it lacked the charm that came with them screaming out every other syllable. Latoia had decided to rest, or, as she put it “go for a nappy-nap so ma baby will shut her yappy-yap!” everyone else had decided to sleep, but they didn’t announce it in nearly an amusing enough way to worth mentioning them individually.
It was getting to the point where the whole ‘not-being-able-to-sleep’ thing, was becoming a slight annoyance. It got to the point where, when the old lady two rows forward offered me a sleeping pill; I didn’t even care to check the label. I dunno what it was she gave me but I was out of it for the rest of the journey, I had to switch buses twice, and I can only tell you one of the cities I was swapped at. My aforementioned ’out of it’-ness pleased Latoia to no end. I found a scribble on my belly when I changed my shirt the next day saying, and I’m not joking, “this beer gut be MINE bitch!” luckily it wasn’t a sharpie, simply a biro that the water from the greyhound station sinks could take care of easily.
I now found myself staring at Muhammad Ali Blvd, with no idea where to go. Still drowsy from what I now consider could have been roofie's, I decided to head to the most well lit place, difficult to find in mid-day. Luckily I realised I must be getting near the centre of town due to the flags of colonel sanders.
Side note: I have only just now realised that I am yet to mention my current whereabouts, Louisville Kentucky.
American's have personalities, and then some...
August 25th 2009
The most amazing bus ride ever, it made me want to write a script for a show where the bus got stranded somehow, the people were so awesome.
The cast
Me- the Protagonist of our story, a young British traveller who unwittingly took this bus, not expecting to be joined by a bunch of crazy people
Latoia- The insane (not literally), 21 year old, pregnant, lesbian who refused to believe it was a man who gave her the baby.
The Big Bearded Stoners (each with there own fascinating story)
Hagrid (Charlie)- The leader of the stoners, Great grandson of Blackbeard, spent three years as a pirate, has 30 million dollar inheritance waiting for him in California once he returns his great granddads treasure, brought down the entire economy of Haiti by sleeping with the princess.
Silent Bob (Bob)- The Wiseman of the stoners, Had his tongue cut out twice by the same guy, reattached by the same doctor. Once smoked a doobie alongside the famous silent bob. Likes halo books. Apparently the first pregnant man.
Ryu – On the run from the Japanese mafia, has a kid waiting at home for him, shortest beard among the group, does NOT like the term “RE-re” as an insult.
Santa’s Second (Mark)- the actual quiet one, he didn’t actually have a story, or at least didn’t tell one. I’m fairly sure he was stoned the entire 16 hours I spent with them.
Joe- the Truck Driver who I’m fairly sure had Alzheimer’s, fairly funny guy despite the fact he’d tell the joke three times before the punch line.
T.J- A dude who kind of followed me while listening to his incredibly loud gangsta music
Kyle- Another dude that kind of followed me…though he never made a single piece of noise
Ron- a middle aged New Zealander, nice enough guy but was definitely gonna be the first to die.
The journey started out with Latoia turning to me and shouting “Yo! Don’tchu be starin' at my breasts” despite my constant denials she refused to listen to me, by the fourth or fifth accusation I had a glimpse, it couldn’t be helped. It was then she said that she knew she was right, luckily I was saved by Ryu and Hagrid “yo, I haven’t been able to keep my eyes of your breasts” “yeah, and he’ll stop staring at your breasts when you stop staring at his eyes”.
Needless to say the attention was then brought to my amazingly blue eyes.
The most amazing bus ride ever, it made me want to write a script for a show where the bus got stranded somehow, the people were so awesome.
The cast
Me- the Protagonist of our story, a young British traveller who unwittingly took this bus, not expecting to be joined by a bunch of crazy people
Latoia- The insane (not literally), 21 year old, pregnant, lesbian who refused to believe it was a man who gave her the baby.
The Big Bearded Stoners (each with there own fascinating story)
Hagrid (Charlie)- The leader of the stoners, Great grandson of Blackbeard, spent three years as a pirate, has 30 million dollar inheritance waiting for him in California once he returns his great granddads treasure, brought down the entire economy of Haiti by sleeping with the princess.
Silent Bob (Bob)- The Wiseman of the stoners, Had his tongue cut out twice by the same guy, reattached by the same doctor. Once smoked a doobie alongside the famous silent bob. Likes halo books. Apparently the first pregnant man.
Ryu – On the run from the Japanese mafia, has a kid waiting at home for him, shortest beard among the group, does NOT like the term “RE-re” as an insult.
Santa’s Second (Mark)- the actual quiet one, he didn’t actually have a story, or at least didn’t tell one. I’m fairly sure he was stoned the entire 16 hours I spent with them.
Joe- the Truck Driver who I’m fairly sure had Alzheimer’s, fairly funny guy despite the fact he’d tell the joke three times before the punch line.
T.J- A dude who kind of followed me while listening to his incredibly loud gangsta music
Kyle- Another dude that kind of followed me…though he never made a single piece of noise
Ron- a middle aged New Zealander, nice enough guy but was definitely gonna be the first to die.
The journey started out with Latoia turning to me and shouting “Yo! Don’tchu be starin' at my breasts” despite my constant denials she refused to listen to me, by the fourth or fifth accusation I had a glimpse, it couldn’t be helped. It was then she said that she knew she was right, luckily I was saved by Ryu and Hagrid “yo, I haven’t been able to keep my eyes of your breasts” “yeah, and he’ll stop staring at your breasts when you stop staring at his eyes”.
Needless to say the attention was then brought to my amazingly blue eyes.
Americans offer Medicine at cheap, cheap prices
August 24th 2009
I woke up this morning feeling more ill then I could have possibly imagined the night before. As a non-drinker this was probably the closest thing to the “God-of-all-hangovers” I was ever going to experience. If it weren’t for the fact that I was sleeping on someone else’s couch, I would most definitely have stayed there and felt sorry for myself. But alas, no one else was feeling sorry for me. The first thing I did was look in the mirror shining a small torch down my open gob so I could stare at all the flem and gunk that had appeared to start collecting there. I then spent the next half hour trying to rid my mouth of it.
As I was swept out of the apartment I knew the day was gonna be difficult, and my newfound pessimism was not let down. Most of the morning I spent floating around doing my best to follow Keiran (the Aussie) and Jamie. Eventually it got down to the point where Keiran turned to me, noticed my cold sweat and wide open pupils and stated “you look like S*@%” and had Jamie take me to a pharmacy so I could by something to bring me back to the world of the living. Whatever it was I took it seemed to work-ish. I kind of remember looking down upon ground zero, sitting on “Wonder Wheel” at Coney island, and rocking “la Grange” on a guitar hero arcade game. Most of this though has been blurred together by my memory. It starts to become clearer on the ferry we took to Staten Island, so that we could get a good view of lady liberty. I remember us getting on the ferry without paying and feeling like complete bandits for breaking the law. It took us a half hour after getting off the other side to realise that the ferry was probably free.
Then of course there is the beloved subway system that I took to retrieve my Greyhound discovery pass. What should have been a ten-minute trip was horrifically morphed into an hour-long adventure from station to station, getting different coordinates of my destination from different help desks. It was a homeless guy that sent me in the right direction in the end. By the time I had my stuff sorted out and returned to the apartment to pick up my bags, that Jamie had decided I might as well stay another night. I wasn’t about to disappoint.
By the way I felt much better by the end of the day, turns out that what I feared to be a severe case of swine flu, was simply a severe case of man flu.
I woke up this morning feeling more ill then I could have possibly imagined the night before. As a non-drinker this was probably the closest thing to the “God-of-all-hangovers” I was ever going to experience. If it weren’t for the fact that I was sleeping on someone else’s couch, I would most definitely have stayed there and felt sorry for myself. But alas, no one else was feeling sorry for me. The first thing I did was look in the mirror shining a small torch down my open gob so I could stare at all the flem and gunk that had appeared to start collecting there. I then spent the next half hour trying to rid my mouth of it.
As I was swept out of the apartment I knew the day was gonna be difficult, and my newfound pessimism was not let down. Most of the morning I spent floating around doing my best to follow Keiran (the Aussie) and Jamie. Eventually it got down to the point where Keiran turned to me, noticed my cold sweat and wide open pupils and stated “you look like S*@%” and had Jamie take me to a pharmacy so I could by something to bring me back to the world of the living. Whatever it was I took it seemed to work-ish. I kind of remember looking down upon ground zero, sitting on “Wonder Wheel” at Coney island, and rocking “la Grange” on a guitar hero arcade game. Most of this though has been blurred together by my memory. It starts to become clearer on the ferry we took to Staten Island, so that we could get a good view of lady liberty. I remember us getting on the ferry without paying and feeling like complete bandits for breaking the law. It took us a half hour after getting off the other side to realise that the ferry was probably free.
Then of course there is the beloved subway system that I took to retrieve my Greyhound discovery pass. What should have been a ten-minute trip was horrifically morphed into an hour-long adventure from station to station, getting different coordinates of my destination from different help desks. It was a homeless guy that sent me in the right direction in the end. By the time I had my stuff sorted out and returned to the apartment to pick up my bags, that Jamie had decided I might as well stay another night. I wasn’t about to disappoint.
By the way I felt much better by the end of the day, turns out that what I feared to be a severe case of swine flu, was simply a severe case of man flu.
Americans tip...
August 22nd
I guess the best way to start it is to say that it didn’t start too well. When we got into New York, (via the ominously named ‘Port Authority’) I took a taxi alongside some of the guys to an apartment which it turns out I was never gonna stay at. I tell you, there isn’t much of a better feeling than sitting in the lobby of a fancy apartment building, in a sweaty superman t-shirt, with 3 grumpy doormen, watching a bunch of rich people walking past on their way to their rooms, while you’re fully aware you have five friends upstairs getting showered, cleaned, and pampered by hot naked slave women.
…Ok that last bit probably didn’t happen up there, but I think you get what I’m trying to say.
Obviously I hold no grudges against those guys…just the doormen who obviously hated me and my uninvited ways.
The world was made good again though as over a dinner at Applebee’s I was given permission to stay at Jamie’s (counsellor from camp) Aunt and Uncle’s apartment.
Applebee’s, yeah that’s probably worth a mention. The original plan was to go to the famed ‘Chuck and Busters’, a restaurant/awesome arcade, but we weren’t allowed in due to the fact that all customers under 21 must be accompanied by a 25 year old. I would have had no problem with this if it weren’t for the fact I had gone and out so many times with a group of over 21’s/under 25’s with no hassle from the bouncers. It was only when the Scotsman of our group turned up that we were refused entry. I guess massive bouncers and the Scots will never truly tolerate each other’s presence in this world.
Anyway, we decided to go to Applebee’s for food, as it was cheaper any way. Though Stuart, the local anal retentive of our group was horrified to find out that the ‘2 for $20” had been busted up to ‘2 for $27’.
Overall it was definitely a good meal, despite the groups constant swearing that obviously been held in through 2 months of looking after campers (though the 2 year old the next table over didn’t seem to phase them), and our general loud noises. The best part of the meal had to be when we spent a half hour trying to figure out who owed money, everyone having to give in an extra dollar or five just so we could pay the bill (including gratuity charge). This half-hour of torturous math and having to remind everyone I had paid more than my share was made even sweeter when Stuart came to the table after handing the bill in and saying “we have to leave now.”
Turns out Stuart, and make of this what you will, had decided on his way to paying that he’d take out $20 from the gratuity, and then (and here’s the kicker) tell the waiter that his service was not up to standard. This would explain that on the way out when I said “thanks” he looked like he was about to shank me.
Honestly I don’t mind him not tipping so much as the waiter was slightly cold to us, it was the wasted precious minutes of my life that went into giving him that dollar that annoyed.
I guess the best way to start it is to say that it didn’t start too well. When we got into New York, (via the ominously named ‘Port Authority’) I took a taxi alongside some of the guys to an apartment which it turns out I was never gonna stay at. I tell you, there isn’t much of a better feeling than sitting in the lobby of a fancy apartment building, in a sweaty superman t-shirt, with 3 grumpy doormen, watching a bunch of rich people walking past on their way to their rooms, while you’re fully aware you have five friends upstairs getting showered, cleaned, and pampered by hot naked slave women.
…Ok that last bit probably didn’t happen up there, but I think you get what I’m trying to say.
Obviously I hold no grudges against those guys…just the doormen who obviously hated me and my uninvited ways.
The world was made good again though as over a dinner at Applebee’s I was given permission to stay at Jamie’s (counsellor from camp) Aunt and Uncle’s apartment.
Applebee’s, yeah that’s probably worth a mention. The original plan was to go to the famed ‘Chuck and Busters’, a restaurant/awesome arcade, but we weren’t allowed in due to the fact that all customers under 21 must be accompanied by a 25 year old. I would have had no problem with this if it weren’t for the fact I had gone and out so many times with a group of over 21’s/under 25’s with no hassle from the bouncers. It was only when the Scotsman of our group turned up that we were refused entry. I guess massive bouncers and the Scots will never truly tolerate each other’s presence in this world.
Anyway, we decided to go to Applebee’s for food, as it was cheaper any way. Though Stuart, the local anal retentive of our group was horrified to find out that the ‘2 for $20” had been busted up to ‘2 for $27’.
Overall it was definitely a good meal, despite the groups constant swearing that obviously been held in through 2 months of looking after campers (though the 2 year old the next table over didn’t seem to phase them), and our general loud noises. The best part of the meal had to be when we spent a half hour trying to figure out who owed money, everyone having to give in an extra dollar or five just so we could pay the bill (including gratuity charge). This half-hour of torturous math and having to remind everyone I had paid more than my share was made even sweeter when Stuart came to the table after handing the bill in and saying “we have to leave now.”
Turns out Stuart, and make of this what you will, had decided on his way to paying that he’d take out $20 from the gratuity, and then (and here’s the kicker) tell the waiter that his service was not up to standard. This would explain that on the way out when I said “thanks” he looked like he was about to shank me.
Honestly I don’t mind him not tipping so much as the waiter was slightly cold to us, it was the wasted precious minutes of my life that went into giving him that dollar that annoyed.
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